Is watching your friends, the ones you grew up with, slip away in to horrible realities. They break, they do things you never thought that they would do. . . their ideas change, or they submit to the will of others just to be liked, because they'll do anything to be liked. All you can do is wonder whywhywhywhy?? as the people you once knew disappear and someone new emerges.

It's something I'll never understand.

I never had the desire to get drunk and wasted. I would neverlet a guy get in to my pants just so he'd like me. I've never felt the urge to get high on anything. I'd never date someone totally wrong for me just because they were the only one who ever asked.

They always told me they felt the same way.

Maybe they did?

Do I take strength for granted? I doubt it.

Are there others like me, who reject the way our youth behaves? Who rebel--rather than against our parents--against our peers?

The hardest part for me to understand is why they would do something if they were opposed to it. I don't care who I offend or who doesn't like me; if someone asks me to do something i don't want to, I'll say no; and if they keep pestering me, then I'll just keep saying No. I've ditched a whole group of friends due to differing ideas before. I would rather be on my own than a place that makes me uncomfortable--but it seems most people are afraid of being alone.

Why?

Are they afraid of holding up their own weight? Afraid of being their own support? Afraid that no other human being on earth likes them?

Don't they know? Not being liked isn't the worst thing that can happen.

I know from experience.

It's as if their previous ideals mean less to them than being liked. I don't understand it.

If the Queen of England said she'd be my best friend if I smoked, or ran down the street naked, or whatever, I wouldn't go along with it. I don't care who doesn't like me--the important thing is that I like myself.

That must be why most people my age "hate themselves"?

I'll never figure them out.

They may see me as the good-girl, but I feel like a total badass. It's so much easier to do what other people want than to be different. They, on the other hand, are normal, conformists, doing exactly what every other teenager does. . . how exactly does that make them rebels?